Each individual has twice as few close friends now compared to 20 years ago.
A 2004 Gallup pool, showed that on average, each person had between 8 to 9 close friends.
A similar survey done in 2021 saw that number decline to between 3 to 5.
Type “how to make friends” into Reddit & you will see how big of a problem this is :
🔹 ”How to stop being lonely & make friends” - 2.3k upvotes
🔹 ”How to make friends with anyone anywhere” - 49k upvotes
🔹 ”How to make friends as an adult?” - 6.3k upvotes
🔹 ”How the F do you make friends as an adult if you don’t drink” - 104k upvotes
In a time where we desire deeper friendships the most, we lack the ability to do so.
During my time at high school, I lacked deep connections with the peers around me.
It felt horrible.
I felt alone. The loneliness felt like being surrounded by a sea of faces, yet emotionally adrift on a solitary island.
A constant ache loomed over me, an ache for connection & a longing to be understood.
To get out of that drought, I reinvented myself & poured countless hours into articles & books.
If I was to start that journey all over again, I would give myself these five tips …
5 Tips On How To Develop Deeper Friendships :
Take Risks
For a deep connection to be formed, deep conversations must occur first.
However, if you don’t take the initial risk of asking deep questions, deep conversations won’t ensue.
Don’t dive head-first into a deep question, that is a sure way of making yourself look like a creep.
Instead, start slow. As the conversation progresses, ask deeper & deeper questions.
If you encounter any resistance, back off & try a different path.
Be Vulnerable
The most important aspect of a relationship is trust.
A relationship that lacks trust is destined to crumble eventually.
The easiest way to show someone you trust them is by being vulnerable.
A show of vulnerability signals to your counterpart that there is no fear of judgment or rejection.
It also encourages vulnerability on their side, which strengthens the relationship even more.
Avoid sharing sob stories & burdening other people - you want to be tactically vulnerable.
In a scenario where the other individual is the first to show vulnerability, you must show it back.
Otherwise, the other individual would feel that you have something you can leverage on them.
Be Genuinely Curious
Never act on the assumptions you form by merely observing the way someone talks or dresses - it is the worst blunder you can make.
The way someone dresses or talks may give clues to what characteristics that specific individual possesses but does not give you any facts about him/her.
You are free to have these assumptions but make sure not to act on them.
In every situation, ask questions to get a better picture of who they are.
A clearer picture of who someone is allows you to better direct the conversation to what the individual truly cares about.
Never talk about what you’re interested in, always let the other person guide the conversation. Allow them to discuss their interests.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
A sure way to kill a conversation is by asking simple “yes” or “no” questions.
These types of questions, close-ended questions, brings the conversation to a complete stop. Forcing you to get it moving again.
Instead, ask open-ended questions :
🔹 Use : “Tell me about your childhood.”
🔹 Rather than : “Where did you grow up?”
Open-ended questions gives the conversation momentum.
Allowing you to keep the conversation going & therefore giving you more opportunities to ask deeper questions.
Which ultimately, allows you to form deeper connections.
Listen Actively
The finest conversationalists aren’t the ones who talk the most but those who listen the best.
Throughout your conversations with different individuals, focus on what they’re saying. Not what you’re going to say.
Listen to understand, not to reply.
Ask follow-up questions & label their emotions.
This signals to the other person you are engaged & understand them - everyone loves to be understood
In Short …
🔹 Take the risk of asking deeper questions
🔹 Build trust by being tactically vulnerable
🔹 Be genuinely curious
🔹 Ask thought-provoking, open-ended questions
🔹 Listen actively
The ability to develop deeper friendships is a skill & like every other skill, it can be improved through training.
At first, it will be difficult & you will encounter roadblocks.
But with time & practice, your ability to develop deep relationships will profoundly enhance your life in a way nothing else ever has.
Royce Sun